I don’t really care.

Ok.  Here is the potential start of yet another blog.  If it continues on such a pessimistic route then I expect anyone reading it will be potentially considering jumping off a bridge too.

Today has been a relatively uninteresting day, which started off late as I slept in, again.  This seems to be an ever increasing occurance, and in the long run probably is not the most helpful of things.  That being said, it is the holidays and quite frankly I don’t care.

I don’t really care about anything much at the moment.  Here is a list of the things I know I should care about but really don’t right at this second:

1) That I now have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder (manic depression) and it could potentially have a huge effect on the rest of my life.

2) My best friend is at deaths’ door and cannot see it herself, therefore I really should care and be there to support her and persuade her to go into treatment.

3) I have an assessment on the 10th of January that I have done no work for. Failing means repeating a whole year of university.

4) I told a friend who just wants to be there for me to leave me alone as I really do not want anyone to “be there” for me. I am such an emotional wreck that I don’t really want to involve anyone in my problems right now.

5) I am considering becoming a recluse just so that I don’t have to face the world anymore.

6)My suicidal urges are mounting faster every second that I am at home for Christmas.

On the plus side I did have a good Christmas except for the fact I have only had two days in the last six days where someone hasn’t called me fat and greedy.

This I do care about.

I am a fat greedy pig.  I will lose this weight after Christmas. I will disappear, in any way possible.

I also care that that people that I am supposed to trust i.e. friends and my support worker keep lying to me, or telling part truths, and hence I cannot trust them with anything and am scared to talk to them. As a result I can’t trust anyone.

I’m annoyed that I was called an emo- WTF!!!! I am anything but an emo- just because I have red in my hair and like wearing black and occasional eyeliner.

I feel cold, emotional and so so alone.  I am angry yet sad.

Why is this world such a lonely place? 

Why can’t anyone see what a bad place I’m in and just give me a hug?

I love this song.  It’s kind of keeping me going right now.

 May be triggering *****contains self harm******