Here’s an update. Right now I have a huge smile on my face, actually despite how crappy I have been feeling recently I have been smiling constantly for about an hour. The reason- Today I managed to get a letter from my doctor to say that I am fit to go on my university placements, this is monumental for me as without being able to go I was looking at repeating the year. The only stopping points at the moment are a) I need to get a placement in this city, and the only placement that was left wasn’t in it and b) I am still under constant review and in the event I start feeling awful again the decision can be undone.
But for the moment I am just happy I can go. This puts an up on the class night out I am attending tonight, I will no longer feel quite so left out. OK I am still not going to get to graduate with them but I will be able to go on placement at the same time. Somehow I don’t feel like such a loser or a freak.
I am still not happy with a lot of things at the moment thought, I am getting constant headaches due to stress and my neck seems to be permanently sore, guess that’s the downer of being sat in front of a computer all day. I also need to get rid of 1,500 words from my uni project, which is going to be a nightmare as I consider everything I have written so far as being important, however, I will send it to my supervisor and see what she says about it and hopefully she will be able to help.
Also, I am a little disappointed with myself as I slipped up and broke a part fo my promise, as I had a little bout of self-harm during a bit of a wobble on Wednesday, however, I have started again on my mission to behave myself and keep myself well. Trying not to beat myself up too much but I really hate breaking promises, however I was doubting whether it was realistic in the first place, or me just putting undue pressure on myself as usual.
On another downer, I need to go home at some point next week, I don’t particularly want to, home is not a good place for me to be ( don’t get me wrong I love my family and stuff, I am really lucky on that front) I just feel pressurised to put on a happy face all the time.
I just about admitted my self harm over the phone last night as my Dad was telling me about a documentary I missed on people who had attempted suicide, self harmed etc etc and about how they got over it…..I don’t know if he was trying to get me to admit to it or not. He starts similar lines of conversation about smoking too in which I feel he is pressurising me to admit to the fact I smoke. I think this maybe has an inclination that I indeed participate in both.
I don’t know.
Anyways, I am going to end this post here as my head is pounding and I need to go home and get some aspirin and also prepare myself for going out! I think it’s going to be a drunken one and I am going to make sure it’s good.
