Argh, I just wrote a really long post, then the connection went down and it disappeared into a black hole. damn.
I know I can be a hypocrite at times, quite a lot actually. I spend a lot of time giving out advice that is useful but that I really should be following myself. It’s hard for other people to do, yet I expect them to follow it when I can’t myself.
This post was triggered after last night. I got a lecture from a friend about lots of stuff. It felt like a personal attack although I am sure it wasn’t meant as such. I later accused her of not caring then got a “don’t tell me what I think” lecture also. I need to keep things to myself was the jist of most of it. I am not allowed to speak to people about what is going on in my life, despite other people encouraging me to do just that, as a coping method. She doesn’t actually know too much about my situation so I guess I felt she was unjustified in saying a lot of what she said.
Which brings me to friendships, she wants what’s going on in my life to be “our little secret”, no no no, I just can’t do that. I don’t trust her enough, I trust other people to much. I know this is going to just end in a mess. Basically everyone knows I am fucking up, they have an inclination of why, I am not going to graduate with them but am apparently am not allowed to vent my frustrations over it.
She said I am her best friend. I did not tell her that she is nowhere near mine, she is actually several down the list. To me friendship is a two way thing. Although looking at my relationships it is blatantly obvious that not many of mine are. Actually I think only one is. The relationship I have with my best friend it is very much two way, well in bouts of one way support that kind of balance out to make it sort of a two way support network. It only falls down when we are both not doing well.
The majority of my friendships are people coming to me for support, this is fine, it’s what I am used to, I have developed ways of coping with it. OK sometimes it upsets me in that I know that most of them will never reciprocate the support.
I have another friendship that is exactly the opposite, and for some reason this bothers me a lot more. This friend wants to be here for me, for me to come to him which is hard enough. But I am worried about him. He is struggling too and at the moment is shutting me out. I feel like an awful friend, as I cannot deal with friendships that go this direction. I don’t know how to help and feel completely out of my depth and lost. It’s upsetting but it’s not him that’s upsetting me, it’s just the awful feeling of knowing someone’s hurting but feeling utterly powerless to do anything…I could offer some advice but it would probably just be hypocritical of me.
OK back to the situation last night. I resolved to keep my mouth shut and try not actually talk about much at all. I am pretty good at it due to my social awkwardness anyway. So we all continue into various degrees of paralytic drunkeness. I wasn’t too bad, OK I was but not as bad as everyone else. I could still stand up straight all through the evening. Anyways she drops a health bombshell on the six of us whilst we are standing outside waiting on the others. She is worried, potentially has a physical problem that she hasn’t had checked out and is scared about. Fine. I am utterly sympathetic to her cause and make all the right noises. Inside I am bubbling over. Why give me advice then totally not follow it yourself to an even worse degree. Suddenly the difference between mental and physical health was blatantly obvious. I really did just want to scream. It’s not fair, Ok , It’s understandable that nooone wants to know about any health problems you may have. If you have a potential physical problem everyone comes running, yet my world is falling apart and no-one (with a few exceptions) gives a flying fuck. How is that fair? Life sucks sometimes.
People wonder why people with mental health problems commit suicide, well I for one would do it just to get out of this isolation, to stop feeling like a lepar, without anyone actually knowing. I’m just really confused in my head. She royally pissed me off.
I still to some degree want out. I have to be fine though, I have to appear to be fine. I am putting on my happy face and getting through, If I crumble I cannot finish my degree, this is not an option. I am fine. OK I self-harmed last night due to feeling like a total failure as a friend, totally inadequate as a human being and basically because I am a fuck-up of the first order.
Bottom line: friendships are complicated, people are hypocrits, being bipolar sucks.
