Just a Fading Star

I got rid of that last post as anything that I can remember writing in it seems irrelevant now.  This one is a little long though, sorry.  (It’s to make up for letting you down last post lol)

It’s been a weird couple of days.  I am now at home and just spent an hour trying to figure out why my computer wouldn’t connect to the network when it had worked fine the last time I was here…..my sister changed the bloody password and didn’t think to tell me.

Yesterday, yesterday: first things first what day was it yesterday? Oh yeah.  I started the day with a meeting with my uni tutor, I handed in my 1st draft for part of my literature review…I thought it was awful and I wanted her to tell me parts were rubbish and to take bits out…this would have been nice, not because I like failing but I am miserably (about 2500 words) over the word count, and we don’t get 10% either side.  So that’s that.

We discussed placement….I am not allowed a mental health placement as there is a “conflict of interests” whatever that means, despite medical reassurance I think she still thinks I am trying to solve my own problems through other people.  I’m not.  So… that leaves me with very few other options.  There is the main hospital, the old peoples’ hospital and the kids hospital…she says I’m most likely to end up working in social work….I had my last 7 weeks placement in social work in another town and seriously contemplated taking my life as it was soooooo awful and I was rubbish at it.  Hated every single second, and it showed.

So, then she decided to ignore the GPs advice about staying in the city and started to suggest surrounding towns and villages.  Not so happy about that.   It’s one thing working 8.30-5 when u just have to crawl out of bed and drive 5 minutes up the road and back.  It’s a whole different ball game when you are working the same hours and driving 20 mins each way on a dual carriageway (I don’t drive much and despise dual carriageways), that adds 40 extra minutes to each working day.  Not happy, I am going to struggle enough getting to close places in the morning, it’s taking a lot to even get me out of bed at the moment let alone into a workplace.

I am totally ranting, I apologise.  I will just have to wait and see.  I guess I don’t really get to be picky when it is all so last minute but it genuinely wasn’t my fault, why should I be penalised by being made to do something I hate?

Yesterday was a little bit of a write off in some ways.  I went to uni for the meeting, then read and totally lost track of time and was 20 minutes late for meeting a friend.  Oops.  Then I went back home to bed.  I was woken by a different friend asking if I wanted to go for coffee, I did so I got ready. 

I was tired out before we even got to the coffee shop and feeling a little bit sick, for no reason at all but it did eventually pass.  All of a sudden the world seemed to be moving really fast and I had got stuck.  I knew I was still moving but everything was going ten times faster.  It probably didn’t help that my friend was pretty hypomanic.  So we were sat having coffee and he gets a phone call.  Then everything got loud, but it was not a clear loud, more like everything got muffled.  Like when you are in a swimming pool and the music is playing into the water but you can’t hear it.  I had had all this before, wasn’t all that worried. 

There was a awful wooden floor in the shop, it was made up of loads of types of grains and colours and patterns, each of which were moving about, kind of swimming I guess.  This was all too much and I had to leave, so we decided to walk.  I though my head was about to explode as my senses just went into overload, everything was loud and fast,bright lights and fast cars, reflections in puddles, thundering roadworks.  We went to the supermarket and I though I was going to die, I just wanted to sit down and cry.  If you have ever been at a supermarket with a throbbing headache it was like that but 10 times worse..  I though that maybe if I covered my ears and shut my eyes it would all go away, unfortunately it didn’t. We ended up in the union where things stayed equally bad, I wanted to talk and be happy or at least pay attention but it felt like I was in my own bubble and everything was going on around me and I wasn’t part of it.  When I started feeling unreal, to the point where only physical pain was indicating that I was, in fact, still real and alive, I decided to go home.  My head was pounding trying to keep up and all I wanted to do was curl up in the dark and hope it would all go away.

My friend kindly walked me home, on the way his mood switched, for about the 3rd time that day (total equalled about 5 or 6 at end of day count).  He needed advice, a kind word, support, anything.  I wanted so bad to be supportive and make intelligent conversation but it was so difficult and I felt like no matter how hard I tried it was not a wholehearted attempt.  A lot of thought was going into staying with the conversation and trying to convince myself that the floor was not moving.   I wish I could have been more help.

I lay in the dark room, with nothing on, just dark and quiet.  Supposedly, although my head had different ideas and no matter if my eyes were open or shut it was like a bloody disco without the music.  So many lights.  I eventually got to sleep though, and awoke to things, thankfully, no longer moving but still with a headache.  There have been a few points today were I have gone into sensory overload but not half as bad.  Don’t know what it was or how it happened, all I do know is I don’t want it happening again.

So, here I am at home.  I am having a dilemma.  To take the meds or not take the meds.  I was at the chemist today I had arranged to go home but hadn’t really thought it through in that I get a weeks worth of meds on a friday.  They would not give me them today without a doctors say so.  So inevitably I left without the medication.  I take 150mgs daily.  I have an appointment at the end of next week.  I technically have enough meds if I take all 50s now but then I will have to cut stuff in half next week.  I am thinking this is all just too much of a faff.  Think I’ll just not bother and maybe resume again on Monday.  After all things aren’t too bad.

I got asked a question several times over the past couple of days.  I was asked to lie and say “yes”, when my answer was really “I don’t know” it is “I really hope so” but at the moment I am asking myself the same question and going “I really don’t have a fucking clue” and “maybe it will all just go to shit”.  

The question?:

“It’s all going to be OK, isn’t it?”

If anyone has the answer put your answers on a postcard and mail to…