Words.

Blogging seems to be the only thing I can successfully do today.  Although I am physically feeling perkier due to finding some sudafed in the drawer…mentally however, still very much bleah.

I played bagpipes for 45 minutes which I am quite proud of, to which my sister replied with an hour of trumpet playing….gah, peace and quiet does not exist in this house.

I am again realising the power of words in a positive and a negative way.  There are times where things I say are analysed down to the minute detail, that which was never thought about at the time….this occurs either by me or by another person.

I have realised once again that talking gets me into deep water, it means I have to explain myself.  I am done with talking.  I will keep this blog up, as it’s just a personal account and if people want to call me on it, then fine.

In real life….well it’s not like I actually have a lot of people to speak to.  I am going to limit this down further.  This is because thinking, speaking etc is taking up too much energy, I am sick of getting hurt and feeling bad over what I have/haven’t said.  And also because of what a friend said the other night about how I really shouldn’t discuss things with people.

I got on a lot better with life when I didn’t talk about things.  It didn’t matter that I gave up trying to tell people I was being bullied (I realised then that no-one actually listens unless they want to hear what you have to say.)  I realised that internalising things really was the way forward.  OK it did mean I started self harming…but if its a trade off between physical pain vs emotional pain, you can control the physical pain so I know which one I am choosing.

I also realised pretty young that it doesn’t matter what people try and do to hurt me….they will never hurt me as much as I can and do hurt myself.

This is really hitting home just now for some reason….I’m a little bit in self destruct mode.

 All the professionals said talk to people, being quiet about things isn’t helping, build up a support network.  You know, I don’t buy it.  The minute I started opening up to people was the minute people got ammunition, the minute I could beat up on myself and the minute that everything went to shit.