Just a Fading Star

Haven’t felt the need to blog much recently.  Mainly because it is a form of contact with people, which is something I’ve been trying to avoid recently.  Aside from a couple of phone calls and a couple of msn conversations and asking for a packet of cigarettes in the shop I have had no contact with anyone since Monday night.  I only left the flat to nip quickly to the shop, when I knew it would be empty. 

I am bad company right now…I am glad no-one is around to bear the brunt of it, it wouldn’t be fair.

I have never felt as much of a failure as I do right now, discounting the day my applications got rejected from medical school.

All this stress over a essay that is 1/4 of my degree.  An essay that will not be finished on time.  An essay that I really don’t want to do right now.

There is no point in getting the degree anyway, I can’t work with people.  I would be rubbish at it, I can think of 1000 people that would be able to do the job better than me anyway, so why even bother.

This is probably the point where people turn around and say “oh you’re depressed” but no.  I am not depressed, not even ill.  Definitely not ill.  Just bad, lazy and unmotivated.

I am scared uni will find out all of this and chuck me out, and that my parents will get mad if they found out all the lying I’ve been doing about taking meds and attending appointments.  I can’t tell them that no amount of meds is going to help me because I’m fundamentally evil, and that’s why I feel so bad.  I am being punished for all the bad thoughts I’ve ever had, and every bad thing I have ever done.  I can’t tell them that because for them there will be no hope for me, they will probably just give up on me completely.

I am not suicidal but frequently I have been wondering why it is that good, innocent people who want to live end up dying and people like me, bad people that want to die, get to live.  Why is this?

I am wasting oxygen that someone could use, I am taking up time, space, love and resources that other people need.  I was told to remember how lucky I am that I am not the children I am writing my essay on.  Be glad that I don’t live in a war zone and have PTSD.  If I could move over and give the people who need a chance my place in the world, I happily would.  I would gladly cease to exist if it meant other people would be happier.  It probably is the answer.  I want to see if I can get this degree finished.  I want to see if I can get this essay done.  I don’t want to die a complete failure, although I know that nothing is ever good enough and I always will be a failure.

I just want to curl up and disappear for a bit, but have so much to do.  I’m surprised my hair hasn’t fallen out with stress already.  I also want to apologise for not taking my meds or attending my hospital appointment, I am not apologising for not doing these things, merely for disappointing you and letting you down.  I don’t need either of them.  Nothing can help.  But I do understand that you are frustrated with me over it and for that I apologise.

Sorry.