I can’t deal with this anymore. I just want to be able to feel in control. Feel like shit today, left the house at 9.30pm for the 1st time but only because I needed cigerettes, otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered. Didn’t get out of bed until 5pm and ended up just getting in and out of bed. I just hid from the world. I want to continue with hiding forever but I can’t as I have to go to work tomorrow.
I seriously wanted to die yesterday. I don’t know why. I just didn’t want to be me anymore. I still don’t. I couldn’t take the pills, I think the anxiety of taking them makes me feel hysically sick and then I bottle it. It’s not the first time it has happened. I have never just about fainted cutting but I almost did lst night…my head went funny and I couldn’t hear or see, was rather scary but I didn’t really care. I seriously thought I had hit a vein, turns out on looking at it again I wasn’t even close…didn’t even need steristrips.
I am being told to tell someone about it. I can’t. Who would I tell- don’t see registrar for 2 weeks and GP for a month…can’t tell gp as I was doing so well just on Friday. I can’t tell my support worker as she’ll put into place out “crisis plan” which I know for a fact doesn’t work and just causes me more stress.
I just don’t know what to do.
