Throughout my life I have not really expressed any of the anger that I have felt. I learned at an early age that expressing emotions was not the done thing so I kept it all inside appearing mainly calm and collected on the outside. They say depression is anger turned inwards, I guess to a degree that is the truth with me, it is definitely one of the main stems of my self-harm. On the discovery of this I realised that I have a lot of pent up anger, with lots of things in the past I have never truly let go of. I took some time to write a list of all of the people that I am still angry at, in the hope that I can let go of at least a little bit of anger in a positive way.
So here goes: – It’s a long list.
I am angry at:
- The thirty-odd children in my primary school class for making me feel that I was abnormal, ugly and strange. For making me feel like I was somehow not socially acceptable and that no-one would ever be friends with me. I am angry for all the times that they humiliated me, tried to blame me for things that I did not do and for making me go to extreme lengths to fit in and then still rejecting me. I am angry for all the days where I was made to stand alone in the playground and for the times they let me take part just so that they could laugh at me and for all the times I hid and cried and also for all the tears that were shed outside of school.
- David- for telling me that I was an ugly stuck-up bitch and that no-one would ever like me let alone fancy or love me.
- Lillian for the oppression she imposed on me while childminding, making me sit for hours on my own and for siding with her children (Stuart and Paula) regardless of whether they were in the right or not and punishing me for it.
- Paula for all her teasing and violent outburst which regularly got me into trouble.
- Stuart for being friends with me only when no one else was looking and for the “games” of “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” age 8/9 which became unreciprocated and made me feel dirty.
- Lynne- For being friends with me only at weekends and then being mean to me at school as she didn’t want to be seen to be friends with me. For never calling in for me and for hiding whenever I called in for her.
- Julia for being friends with me only when she wanted to be. For pinning me up against the wall at school and then getting me in trouble for slapping her to get her off me. For shutting me in her garden shed for over an hour on a hot day when I was cleaning out her rabbits for her.
- The kids at the party who pressurised me into taking my top off in front of them then laughed at me and told everyone I was a dirty slut.
- The kids at primary that made me grow up too fast by humiliating me for being naive.
- The same kids who made me feel awful for going to a different high school/
- The teachers at primary school who knew about the bullying yet did nothing about it. The ones who told me off for not trying hard enough to fit in and for being oversensitive.
- Lillian and the teacher at school who told me not to “turn on the waterworks” when I was upset and therefore taught me at an early age that it is not alright to cry as crying was a bad and unacceptable behaviour.
- The random children at high school who turned on me for sticking up for two disabled girls who were being picked on for their disabilities and red hair.
- My practical class for calling me a swat and stuck up repeatedly to the point where I pretended to be stupid and consequently became more so.
- Mandeep and Jamie for regularly humiliating me and making me feel small in front of the class.
- Wendy for all her comments under the sun about me and for regularly pushing me into objects and for pushing me down the stairs.
- Michelle for all her comments about me, for chucking sawdust over me and for regularly threatening to beat me up.
- Mr Ambrose for holding me up as a star pupil and leading me into more problems with my classmates.
- Miss Walker for not reporting the bullying after I confided in her. For moving the tables in such a way it was obvious that I’d grassed.
- Jennifer for telling everyone I’d grassed in order to make herself look better.
- The random kids that spat chewing gum in my hair, spat at me, pushed me around and tried to set my hair alight.
- My cousin for telling me that she self-harmed and how it helped her to cope and myself for believing her and trying it myself. Also for not telling me that she overdosed until years later.
- Melissa and Lynn for seeing that I self harmed and asking for my help and support, therefore leading me into difficult ground helping them when I couldn’t help myself and inevitably failing.
- My friends for being straight A students. For making me feel thick, although not deliberately so. For all their “I’m going to fail” behaviour then not supporting me when inevitably they got A’s and I failed. For passing off all putdowns from anyone as compliment seeking behaviour and therefore not seeing the huge flaws in my self-esteem. For abandoning me for a whole year over a stupid comment, making me grovel for forgiveness and still not letting me be mates with them again for a whole year. For being regularly two faced. For making me feel inadequate regarding every aspect of life. For all the one sidedness- I needed them but they didn’t need me. For moving on without me.
- Susie- for telling me that she couldn’t be friends with me until everyone else was.
- Fiona- for her fake pregnancy scare the day of the fourth year prelims.
- Miss Petrie- for constantly harassing me about whether I was OK. For regularly pulling me out of class and making me feel different from everyone else. For blackmailing me over my self-harm then calling me an “immature, attention-seeking little girl”.
- Mrs Leppan- for keeping me behind class and making me feel different from everyone else.
- The boys who just assumed I was a lesbian.
- Lynn for slapping me in the lunch queue for no good reason and myself for letting her and not hitting her back.
- Dr Cat for making me feel bad for not enjoying the trip to India as much as I should have, for threatening to send me home mid-trip. For being patronising and making me feel awful when I was admitted to her A and E ward.
- My flatmates at uni for checking I was breathing after I near fatally overdosed and then leaving me to it. Myself for being glad they did.
- People at uni for not realising how bad I was feeling.
- Sally for letting me go home after I cryptically told her I was going to kill myself-a last ditch wobble before I convinced myself it was the right idea. Myself for telling her in the 1st place.
- My Nana for causing my cousin’s overdose. For making me feel shit at every opportunity for being fat and other stuff. Just being a bitch about everything.
- C for her regular bitchiness, for pretending we were friends for a year after “that night” when apparently she was terrified of me then hating me and ignoring me for it. For making me feel bad for drinking. For intimidating me in my flat. For being petty and immature regarding my moving out and consequently turning most of my friends against me. For making me feel that everything was my fault. For the comment which constantly plagues my mind “You are just making life difficult for me, as you do everyone else”.
- St for just about breaking my arm “that night”, for not forgiving me, for being loud, bitchy and for intimidating me and making me feel scared to be in my flat.
- The CPN “that night” for not trying harder to persuade me to go into hospital or for following through with his threats of sectioning and then sending me home.
- The Dr “that night” who told St and C that I was “just attention seeking”.
- The A and E staff that told me I was going to be completely crap in my future career.
- The security guard who retrained me and then made up some bullshit in order to have me arrested.
- The Dr that checked me over without even taking a pulse and therefore failed to notice I was sitting with a fractured skull.
- My solicitor for leaving me hanging on and stressing for months and then got the charges dropped at 4pm the night before the court case.
- The Psych who almost had me sectioned then sent me home 3 days later telling me there was absolutely nothing wrong and that I hadn’t previously fractured my skull (something he had no right to say as he knew nothing about it).
- My CPN for thinking that taking up tennis is the answer to everything. For making me confront my parents in front of her when I didn’t want to- which was majorly upsetting for everyone apart from her.
- Kevin for raping me when I was 18 and making me feel like I was a dirty, ugly slut. Myself for letting him.
- My psychology lecturer for making me aware of pro-ana websites. Myself for getting sucked in and heavily involved.
- The Psych who told me to go away and overdose as I’d fail and would regret it afterwards.
- My sister for being a compulsive liar and getting me into heaps of trouble for things I never did.
- My friends that make me do all the running and the ones who want to help but won’t let me.
- Mum for making me feel fat, ugly and not good enough. For not believing I could become a Dr. For making me feel like I can never be good enough. For slapping me across the face for a throwaway comment. For being the reason behind some of the bullying. For trying to live her life through me.
- My parents for shutting me in my room for hours at a time, for smacking me (with and without objects) for terrifying me into behaving. For making me too scared to show emotions. For never telling me that they loved me until I just about died after an overdose and then were smothering and overprotective which just felt fake. For not doing anything about the bullying. For telling everyone what I did.
- Myself- For all of the above, for letting it all happen. For being stupid and not good enough. For saying the fractured skull was accidently when in truth I did it myself. For hurting everyone, for not being able to help the people close to me. For all of the things I have done to hurt anyone. For being needy and for all of the things I have done to hurt other people. For letting everyone down.
Well that’s it. This ended up sounding like a final confession. It is nothing of the sort, unless it is the death of this part of me, in which case I guess it is.
At the end of the day, what happened happened. I cannot change it.
It is what it is.
