I give shit advice, sometimes I wonder why I even bother opening my mouth. When I am questioned regarding why I say what I say I get all confused and tonguetied and wonder why I did say it. I was told today that someone asks my advice for my honesty rather than my tact. Well this is a good thing as I know I have no tact. If something is bothering me I will say it and then regret it afterwards and wonder why the hell I said it.
I forever tell myself that I will stop interfering in other peoples life. It messes with my head and no doubt does little to help them. Little things I say without thinking forever come back around to bite me, regardless of how much I apologise for them at the time. I wish I had the willpower to be a selective mute like my cousin was. God knows how she managed it. I hate hurting people but I am scared and pretty sure I do it all the time. Words are powerful things, especially when they come out wrong. God knows I’ve been on the receiving end enough to know.
It makes me sad to see people suffering, whether it be the people I know well and care about or whether it is one of my patients who I meet during the few hours that I work a shift. I have seen too much near-death recently. It makes me sad to turn up at work and see an empty bed bacause someone has died, or to watch someone literally start dying in front of me. Maybe I am in the wrong job.
Death doesn’t scare me anymore, at times in the past it has done but if I were to die tomorrow I don’t think I would mind all that much.
I have been thinking a lot about perception recently but I am not going to explain what because if you’ve never thought the same it would probably be classed as self-centred and delusional.
I feel content with how things are for me at the moment, if I ignore all the people around me I’d be fine. Although I really want to test my thoughts on perception and life but in order to prove myself right I would have to die. It is not going to happen this week. I am far too busy for such nonsense. Shame really.
The world and his dog can do what they like. I shall remain oblivious, that would be nice. Maybe if I get myself a good set of earplugs and a good sleep the world will go away and there will be no more worries. This is the vbst I can do to shut out this mess whilst I am still alive.
