As I lie here I am suddenly twelve years old again. Lying under the duvet crying myself to sleep. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry like this again but still I end up here again with sodden eyes, hair stuck to my face and a hoarse throat from sobbing. I find myself thinking that years have passed and yet nothing has changed. I still hate myself. No-one will ever properly like me, worsened by the fact that I can’t like myself. I only have one meaningful friendship and even that is flawed and darkened as I am not sure she’d even want to be my friend if she didn’t need me, if she doesn’t need me why has she stuck around?
Looking at my sister I hate her. She has so much freedom and so many friends, she is having a ball.
The walls are closing in again and I don’t know what to do. I feel so supressed and trapped, both physically and in my head. No-one trusts me and with good reason. I gaze longingly at the razors sitting on the window ledge and the pills lying in my drawer. It is not strength that keeps me from drugging myself into oblivion or slashing myself to pieces, it is only fear. Fear of the unknown keeps me stuck here, I want change, desperately I do. I fear it terribly though as there is such a lack of control involved.
I hate my life, although I have no real reason to. I am nothing and no-one. Only one person among billions of others, though the others all have their place in the world be it good or bad. People don’t believe I want to die, think I just want all the shit to stop. To an extent that is true. I do want the shit to stop but I want everything else to stop too. I really want oblivion. For everything to stop. Everything.
I don’t know what exists after death, if it is reincarnation I am screwed. If it’s heaven and hell, well this life feels like hell anyway so how much worse can it be. If heaven exists then I won’t be going, Suicides don’t go to heaven, and I will die by suicide, it’s inevitable, just a matter of time. If everything just stops, then well it will all just stop. I think I am much more comfortable with this option, more content in that thought., That’s all I really want. Just for everything to stop. Everything.
