I wrote the last post a couple of days ago, even though it was posted yesterday and to be honest not much has changed. I spent the whole of my day off in bed sleeping, getting up around 5pm to get dressed and watch some tv then went back to sleep at 1am and slept through to 12 again. I’m constantly tired, and just feel drained and exhusted, I think it might be the anaemia that’s causing it though, I’m pretty sure at next check my blood levels will be below treatment line and I’ll have to start taking sodding iron tablets again. It was a nightmare last time and I ended up binning them as I knew how dangerous iron tablets could be in OD and had to throw them out before I did something. I don’t know whether I can have them in the house again or not.
I am not depressed though, I can’t be. I still get up, go to work, smile and talk to people there, although admittedly not with as much heart and enthusiasm as I did when I started the job. I still do it though. Even when I couldn’t get up and couldn’t do anything, spending days in my bed I wasn’t considered to be depressed, there’s nothing different this time. It’s just a lull. If I pray hard enough it’ll go away. Don’t even know who or what I am praying to anymore. It used to be God when I was younger but I get the feeling if there is a devil he probably started intercepting them and answering them in his own special way.
I am still going. There is no point asking for help as no-one will answer. It’s all down to experience. They will possibly ask me what I want “them” to do, a question I never have the answer to. I want things to be fixed or gone. No-one can do either apart from me. There are no magic wands.
