Well I have a post that I am the process of writing but it’s not quite ready yet so it will be here soon.
I can’t sleep hence posting at 3.48am. This is extremely unusual for me as I have had months and months of sleeping properly. It is a bad sign. I keep telling myself that everything is fine and I think it is sort of. I don’t even know anymore apparently I play things down and don’t acceot how bad thing are. However it feels to me that I am constantly over estimating how bad things are. And so the confusion begins.
Recent conversations have left me confused. I have people telling me I haven’t been that ill whilst other people tellme that I’ve been really ill and seeing as I cannot trust my own jusdgement and insight on the matter I am kind of confused. I don’t know where I stand with things. I KNOW I have a good life, that I need to appreciate it more and that there are a lot of people who are a lot more sick than I am. Actually all of the people I know with mental health problems are a lot worse off than I am. Which then leads me to thinking that maybe I am not ill and maybe it’s all just imagined and blown out of proportion. I will keep taking the pills though so don’t start worrying about that. I think one of the conditions of me staying in uni is that I do what the doctors say, so for now I’ll just keep going with the status quo.
Anyways, I am bored out of my skull as there’s not a lot of things you can do quietly at this time of the morning. I have tried sleeping and it’s just not happening even with the whole having a bath before bed, a hot drink, soothing music and no computer/tv or anything involving a lot of brain stuff. I am doing the right things but I think my head and body have maybe just decided to play up.
The uni work isn’t getting done as both my concentration and my motivation to do any of it have taken their stuff and gone on holiday. It’s really frustrating I want them back so that I can get things done.
I was listening to music on my music player thingy when I was out smoking and a song came on that I forgot I had. It kind of perfectly sums things up at the moment and given that I was outside in the rain it is even more relevant.
I will leave this post here before I start rambling complete and utter rubbish.
Stand in the rain by superchic(k)
She never slows down.
She doesn’t know why but she knows that when she’s all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won’t turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she’s running from wants to give up and lie down.
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
