Today has been a bit of a non-event really.
The talk yesterday at a and e went ok. We were in a really small office with 5 nurses and a nursing student. The student came in first which kind of set of my nerves as she is at the same uni as me and there is a chance I could bump into her in the future. The talk given by my support worker pretty much covered everything and I did manage to add some things to give a different perspective on things . On the feedback forms several of the nurses said they found it useful to have me there and to hear my experiences. I did freeze up a bit due to nerves and feel I didn’t take advantage of the opportunity as much as I could have done. I came out feeling a little bit disappointed that I didn’t give as much as I could have done. My support worker said I did well but I am still unconvinced.
Out of the 7 nurses I met 5 of them had treated me in the past. Thankfully none of them recognised me but it is funny how faces stick especially given the state that I have been in when I have pitched up at a and e. It was very interesting for me to hear their opinions and how they treat people who self-harm.
They had everything sorted in theory in relation to treating everyone as individuals, being supportive and knowing the basics about self-harm. It was easy to see that they knew it but that due to no fault of their own that it all tended to go out of the window when the department was busy. One of the points we made was checking that people are ok when they are waiting in t he treatment rooms. They said that they do keep an eye on people and will calm someone down if they are obviously upset and crying. I just had to say to them that sometimes when people are quiet and appear calm they can be going over and over things and potentially be more distressed than someone who is having a crying fit on the floor. I don’t know if this was the correct thing to say but I felt that people who potentially felt really bad may have been overlooked on the support front as they were quiet and compliant – These people being the ones that are internally beating themselves up and feeling unworthy of the staff’s time. So yeah, I said my bit and need to hope that some of it sunk in and will be helpful to them.
Yesterday and today I have been a bit preoccupied with the events of four years ago. At this time four years ago I was just pitching up at a and e. I feel like I have wasted the four years I have been given. That I haven’t achieved anything meaningful and that I have seen the bottom far too many times, more than a lot of people will see in a lifetime. I haven’t seen the sky nearly as much as I want to and the elusive aim of stable has slipped from my grasp far too many times.
Yesterday there was a meeting between myselof and the head of my course. We have a provisional placement arranged for the start of January which hopefully I will be able to get medical approval for. I forever seem to find myself totally ransom to the medical profession telling me whether I am well or unwell and what I can and cannot do. It is really quite frustrating as I like to be in control. So basically we have the year roughly planned out, very roughly. The one good thing to come from this is that my two assessed placement in the summer have changed order which means that my elective (where we choose where we go) is going to be 6 weeks after everyone elses and I will be the only one going on placement then (or pretty much the only one). This basically means that I can choose where I want to go, this is good because I was unable to get an elective for the weeks we were supposed to go as everyone else found out before me and all of the good ones were gone. So hopefully I will be able to work in the area I want which is child and adolescent mental health. My tutor is not convinced that this is a good idea but is willing to be swayed if I can get a letter from my consultant saying I will be a beneficial member of the team and that I won’t be trying to solve my own problems or find myself overwhelmed by dealing with issues that are too close to home. There is one other problem if I do thast placement in this city as bitch registrar will have rotated CAMHS. I guess I will just have to cross bridges as I get there.
Speaking of solving problems I saw my psychologist today and it seems we are finally settled on using schema mode therapy. Today was spent mainly going over the basics of the model, which I already had a basic understanding of and then going through the modes which I had very little knowledge of. Basically I have been given homework which involves recognising when I am slipping into schemas so that if I have an understanding of when and why that I might be able to change my behaviours. I think. Much easier said than done. We looked at the questionnaire I had filled in a couple of weeks ago. He had highlighted the three things I had scored highest on, although this was strictly untrue because I scored highest on the “healthy adult” and third highest on the “happy child” so I do have some positive features and am not quite as fucked up as there was the potential for me to be.
I am going to head off to bed now though because depite sleeping from 4-8.30pm I am still exhausted – sucks.
