Christmas has been and gone and the next big step is the new year although I don’t celebrate new year so just need to wait for it to come around. Santa came and to be h0nest I got a lot more than I deserve and am very grateful. I got everything I asked for and more and am now more than set with my new pajamas, slippers and dressing gown. Yes I am a little bit of an old lady asking for those things but that was all I really needed so that’s what I requested and is what I got.
Xmas day was a bit of a blur, we had my Gran, my Aunt and two Uncles over for Xmas dinner and it was a lot better than I expected. There were no fights and everyone seemed to have a good time. I didn’t even stress as much as usual about the food. On boxing day my Nan and Aunt and her boyfriend dropped in for half an hour and to be honest that half an hour was more than long enough.
This post is probably really incoherent and I apologise. I have been ill since Boxing day night and am still feeling pretty awful. I spent the whole day in bed yesterday and although it helped a little I am still not fully recovered. I have to confess I haven’t been taking my medication as prescribed and although I feel a bit guilty for it there is no point in me taking it just to throw it up. I am not off it completely though. I am still at the prescribed 30mgs of antidepressant and am taking 100mgs of mood stabiliser instead of 200mgs. Part of me is hoping that my mood will go up taking the antidepressant without as much mood stabiliser but that wasn’t the intent behind decreasing the medication.
I can’t wait to come off this anti-depressant, yet another drug that I will not have lasted very long on. I do feel a little better and am sure if I leave it longer it will start helping more but at the same time I have put on a stone in weight and have sore legs at night. I am a bit torn so I have decided to stay on it until the appointment on the 7th of January. I always allow for a little weight gain over Xmas, after all it is the holidays and you are entitled to let yourself go a bit and enjoy it. My brain is constantly telling me that I am hungry and I think the reason that I am ill now is that my body is having to cope with this huge constant barrage of food that it is not used to and has decided that it cannot cope. My head is also despairing as I am at my highest weight EVER and I cannot allow the numbers on the scale to keep creeping up. It is as if overnight my stomach has went from being flat and me being able to feel my hip bones and see them when I lie down to literally looking as if I am about three months pregnant. I literally have a round belly and it’s weird. My stomach is sore and swollen and bloated, my head is fucked and basically I just want to hide in bed. I need to shift this weight but I cannot employ any emergency measures whilst living at home. I need to get back to my flat asap.
I am going to stop typing now as I am aware this is incoherent babbling rubbish.
