I caused this

It was suggested today that maybe the things I believe to be true at the moment are me giving myself an excuse to self harm. When have I ever needed a reason to self-harm? She claimed to understand but then so did he, neither of them do. They don’t understand this constant dread that bad things are going to happen, that people might die because of me. They don’t know it because it touches them without them feeling it. She says I doubt these beliefs, I only agreed with her and appeared to be unsure so that she’d feel better. This is all my fault. I am working this afternoon- what if someone dies? I have already betrayed it by talking to people about it. That makes it worse, makes it angry, tells me I need to be hurting more to protect them. I can’t protect everyone forever but I want to. It’s not about taking responsibility for other peoples troubles it’s knowing that this eviil has spread from me to them, although not as much because they can’t feel it, and is rubbing off on people beyond them, people I can’t know how badly they are affected.
I want all the hurt to stop, to protect everyone. I know I can quiet it by cutting so I will continue, even if it is just a small comfort to myself that if I am hurting then maybe it won’t affect other people so much. I know what I need to do, I just can’t do it. I need to make it stop, or at least stop it spreading and making everything worse. What I really need to do is kill it, but I don’t know how possible that will be as it is a part of me. I just don’t know it’s all so confusing and people trying to convince me it’s not true by asking for proof are just making it louder, making me look for links that it is true. I know it is. I just know. I just can’t prove it…yet.